OBLIGATIONS: WHAT A CHAIN! HOW TO UNHOOK IT
One of the things that weighs most heavily on us in life is obligations.
Playing “Truth or Dare” with my daughter and granddaughter recently, I realized that all three of us always preferred Truth (laying ourselves bare and telling ourselves) rather than facing an obligation, understood as doing something unwillingly.
The obligations in our lives
Our existence seems studded with obligations. For some, living is an obligation.
Obligation is perceived as something that binds us, shackles us, imprisons us.
But what does it really mean?
- Etymology of the word:
“Obligation” comes from the Latin ob- (before, toward) and ligare (to bind). Literally it means to bind to something or someone.
Here obligation refers us to a deep theme: dependence and the need to feel attached to something or someone, a need to belong.
Obligations and fears: two sides of the same coin
In many recent sessions, people have confided in me that they feel obligated for fear of rejection.
There are two main attitudes:
- Being crushed by obligations: living in constant subjection.
- Escape from obligations: avoid anything that feels like an imposition.
In both cases, these are people who are not free. Escape from obligations, in fact, is not freedom.
Young rebels
Many “rebellious” young people reject obligations. But often this behavior hides a rejection wound.
The rejection wound: an invisible prison
Rejection injury manifests as a feeling of being accepted only on the condition of doing something specific. We never feel free to be ourselves.
The two great inner obligations of those who experience this wound:
- Not being able to be oneself.
- Always do something to deserve love and consideration.
Often, rebellion against these obligations becomes self-destructive:
- “To be myself, I do everything, even what hurts me, to prove that I am free.”
But the result is a vicious circle, because:
- We have not dissolved the unconscious bond with Mom and Dad.
- The need for belonging draws us back, often through failure.
The consequences of conditional love
Love experienced as conditional leads us to:
- Saying too many “NO’s” moved by the rejection wound.
- Saying “YES” to others that become NO to ourselves.
This dynamic leads us to:
- Sacrifice and renunciation.
- Lack and scarcity.
- Failure and anger.
If you recognize yourself in these words, try rewinding the tape of your life and listen:
- Did you have similar experiences as a child or teenager?
How to get out of the vicious circle?
There comes a time when we feel the need to say:
- “I REFUSE to have to earn love!”
But beware: rejection does not dissolve with rebellion.
Lesson 1: Obligation does not dissolve with rebellion.
The key: taking care of yourself
A client told me about the conflict she was experiencing between:
- Imposition and self-demand: doing what you feel compelled to do.
- Need for acceptance and security: the desire to feel protected, as if in a mother’s arms.
Lesson 2: The only real duty we have is to take care of ourselves.
Caring means:
- Stop rejecting oneself in order not to be rejected.
- Listening to oneself: respecting one’s own feeling without reacting impulsively.
- Saying “YES” or “NO” from a space of integrity, not fear.
- To regain within oneself the sense of home and security that may have been lacking in childhood.
Summing up
Do not fall into the trap of justification:
- Justification means saying, “I feel guilty.”
- There is no need to convince anyone. A “YES” or “NO” from you is valid as it is.
Cues for you:
- Listen again to “Pacifying the Inner Family.”
- Experience the freedom to welcome you unconditionally.
These are just a few pointers to start thinking about this issue from a new perspective.
Let me know in the comments what you think and have a good exploration!
