Obligations: why do I always feel obligated? Condemnation or choice? How to get out of it?

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Obligations: why do I always feel obligated? Condemnation or choice? How to get out of it?

One of the things that weighs most heavily on us in our daily lives is obligations.

Our lives seem studded with obligations.

For someone LIVING is an obligation

The ‘obligation is perceived as something that chains, imprisons,

literally obligation comes OB – before, toward – and LIGARE bind precisely

so obligation literally means BINDING TO SOMETHING OR TO SOMEONE.

here obligation thus refers us back to a theme of dependence or a need to feel attached to something or someone, thus a need to belong

so we start to get into the nitty-gritty and discover that underneath the obligation, the feeling of being obligated to … there is a deeper need that may be that of dependence and/or belonging (not only these but let’s start here)

Lately in session more people have brought to me the feeling of being obligated to … out of fear of rejection (being rejected).

some have become people completely crushed by obligations, others have become people so afraid of obligations that they are in constant flight from everything they consider obligation, and they see obligation even where it is not there.

In both cases we are talking about people who are NOT FREE.

Being a slave to escape to feel free is not being free!

think about how many “rebellious” young people refuse to feel obligated to ….

and think about how nice it would be if people began to understand that these young people probably live their daily lives carrying around a rejection wound

let’s do a brief review together (and then those who want to can go deeper with the video course on wounds)

If I feel rejected (or rather if I am born with this wound) find in mom or dad the perfect executioner to make me feel it loud and clear.

To feel rejected means to feel rejected in our essence, that is, we are fine as long as we do something (or many things) but never with the certainty that it will go well

And we don’t feel free to simply be ourselves.

These are the first 2 major obligations that a person with this injury carries:

  1. The obligation of not being able to be himself
  2. Always having to do something to prove that you deserve love and consideration

Sometimes not being able to be myself is followed by the phase of rebellion, “to be myself I do everything … even what may hurt me … but I want to prove to you and to me that I am free and that you cannot force me to be what I am not.”

we know well how these kinds of experiences often end-and why do they mostly end badly?

because unconsciously we have not dissolved the pact with mom and dad, and rather we need to reinforce it in order to “be able to come home”: so something will happen, something will go wrong … because I will be called back by the sense of belonging, by the need to feel part of a family, of a nucleus … of something ….and only with failure do I think I can return

What an immense cost this game has?

and then again

How many NOs said moved only by the wound of rejection! not even giving myself permission to evaluate whether I can say or say YES, I become the worst executioner of myself

or I say YESes that are YES to others and big NOs to myself

In short, there is no getting out of it — we are very far from WIN WIN.

Here on the contrary they manifest very well:

  1. sacrifice / renunciation
  2. either/or
  3. lack and scarcity
  4. bankruptcy
  5. anger

If you feel that any of this resonates with you, try rewinding the tape of your life and listen to see if you experienced anything like this as a child or teenager.

I will return to the topic of adolescence …with dedicated directs

From everything we have seen so far we can say that a conception of love as CONDITIONAL LOVE ensues.

that is, love is always conditional on whether I deserve it, how much I say myself, how good I am etc….

there comes a time when sometimes we wake up and feel that we don’t want that kind of love anymore, I REFUSE! to always have to earn love!

But how to do it? How to get out of it? Because while I’m saying to myself I REFUSE TO … I’m continuing to feed the refusal within myself.

So

Lecture 1: OBLIGATION DOESN’T THROW WITH REBELLION.

I happened to talk to a client recently who was experiencing this conflict between

the imposition (which perceived from outside … but of course also came from within as SELF-IMPOSITION-remember that when the program is installed even when there is no one outside to set it in motion, we do it automatically)

imposition/pretension/self-demand

e

need for acceptance, security … the kind you can feel only in the arms of your mother

let us remember that the rejection wound goes from mother to daughter and father to son

this person (woman) has all her life sought security (that security, that acceptance that she lacked in her relationship with her mother) outside: e.g., in study first and in work later

the famous secure job – no matter if totally out of axis with his essence and desires – but perfectly fulfilling his need for “security”

As she grew up, however, she began to feel that what she called security was becoming a prison, and in any case it was not enough to make her feel truly deeply safe.

For a while it was helpful but then it was not enough to fill that emotional gap.

So what to do?

With this person (who is waiting to participate in the next edition of the “Healing the Maternal Wound” Seminar) we worked on theone duty we all have.

Lesson 2: THE ONLY DUTY WE ALL HAVE IS TO TAKE CARE OF US.

What does it mean to care?

With respect to the topic we are addressing today means:

  1. To stop rejecting ourselves … not to be rejected
  2. respect our feeling by being very careful not to follow reactive movements or emotions of the moment-so first learn to listen to ourselves
  3. begin to experience yes and no in full confidence that that yes and no, said from a space of integrity and not fear, will be good for everyone
  4. rediscovering within ourselves that sense of home, of security, that perhaps we missed in the arms of mom or dad … if you want we do it together …. And in the meantime you can go listen to “Pacifying the Inner Family” again.
  5. welcoming you , without judgment, without condition, without there being a why – and if someone asks you why …. you are free to say why yes, it is so.
  6. don’t fall into the trap of justification; while justifying yourself you are saying “I feel guilty,” and so now I explain that ….per convince you (and convince me) that my yes or no is right …and I don’t have to feel guilty

these are just a few insights I leave you with for this week … enjoy your exploration!

Written By Alexandra Francesca D'Alessandro

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